Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
