now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
