whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
