There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
