There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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