That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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