I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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