Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
