yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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