Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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