Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
