onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
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I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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