Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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