You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
