Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
