fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
