I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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