So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
