Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im six kinds of drunk right now
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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