Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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