i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
