I want to stick my p in your. b.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
