i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
