quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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