tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
