??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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