I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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