I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
