she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
