I didn't shave. On purpose
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
