9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
God I need to hump something, right now.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
