question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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