dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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