Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
