Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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