Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Can Purell be used as lube?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
