My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's shark week go big or go home
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
