I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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