i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
