Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"