Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
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She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.