if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
