Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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