I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
