Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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