Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
