Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
