TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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