I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
