I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
