Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
