i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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