Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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