The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
