The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
