woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
