not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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