I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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